that thing called HEARTACHE!

I remember reading somewhere that this is the year I will be falling in love. I don't know if I should be happy or excited or if I should dread the day. Fall in love? Me?

I have had my fair share of heartaches in the past. That's because when I fall, I fall really hard with a loud "thump" and "clunk" with matching bruises and wounds everywhere. Hehehehe. I don't really know why I always end up being hurt. I'm always at the losing end when it comes to love. There was this guy whom I loved from afar. We were good friends but I was in a relationship back then so nothing really happened. Then I was in a long-distance relationship for almost 2 years, turned out that the guy has been cheating on me the whole time. Then there was a rebound guy whom I tried to fall in love with for 6 months but just couldn't so I had to end the relationship. Aside from all of these relationships, there was a couple of friends I fell in love with but friendship was all they could ever give me. Bummer!

Looking back at my series of heartaches, I suddenly realized how pathetic I must have seemed back then -- Crying over the wrong guy almost every night, staring at an empty space thinking about what might have been, listening to love songs every chance I get.

Did I learn from it, after 20-something years of being in love with the wrong men?

I guess I did.

I am currently in that scenario all over again. There's this guy whom I like so much but I just have no idea if he feels the same. If I met this guy 5 or 10 years ago, I would have approached him and confessed my feelings. I would have gotten his phone number and tried to reach him every chance I get.

What I learned from all of the heartaches was to have control: to weigh the pro's and con's of all my actions; to consider the outcome before I take action.

Someone recently told me that if I really like this guy, the best thing to do is to stop thinking about him and start doing something. That I should know what I really want with this guy: a relationship, a friendship, or MARRIAGE maybe? (D-uh...wishful thinking? I don't believe in marriage) Start doing something? Argh!

It is just frustrating that I am back to where I was before. I feel so helpless and so frustrated. I don't know what happened but maybe, I just feel like I deserve to be happy. I always tell people that I am not looking for a relationship right now but if someone comes along, then good! That may be true 2 years ago. But now, I have this sudden realization that I do want to be in a relationship and that I am just afraid of many things that can happen: heartache, break-ups, fights, endless tears. But as the saying goes: "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".

If you watched He's Just Not That Into You, there's a character there whom I can relate to perfectly: GIGI. She's the girl who would always obsess about the guys she dated. She has a line there that I just love: "I may do a lot of stupid shit but I know I'm a lot closer to finding someone than you are."

Going back to my current situation, I am starting to like this guy so bad that people are starting to think I'm falling for him. Am I? I don't know. My romantic part is telling me to tell the whole world about how I feel for him, but my more logical side is telling me to STOP OBSESSING!!!

But you know what? I would give up all of my inhibitions and logic for this guy! I would tell the whole world "To hell with what you think!" as soon as he would realize he likes me too! I'm serious! That's how much I like him that it's starting to scare me...