tao po

Minsan iniisip ko, oops di pala minsan...lagi pala...

Iniisip ko, when will this end?

Is it really up to me?

Di ko ba talaga pwede malaman kung saan pupunta?

Pwede bang magkaroon ng time machine?

Pwede kayang maging si Edward Cullen talaga para naririnig yung sinasabi ng utak mo?

Wala lang...

that thing called HEARTACHE!

I remember reading somewhere that this is the year I will be falling in love. I don't know if I should be happy or excited or if I should dread the day. Fall in love? Me?

I have had my fair share of heartaches in the past. That's because when I fall, I fall really hard with a loud "thump" and "clunk" with matching bruises and wounds everywhere. Hehehehe. I don't really know why I always end up being hurt. I'm always at the losing end when it comes to love. There was this guy whom I loved from afar. We were good friends but I was in a relationship back then so nothing really happened. Then I was in a long-distance relationship for almost 2 years, turned out that the guy has been cheating on me the whole time. Then there was a rebound guy whom I tried to fall in love with for 6 months but just couldn't so I had to end the relationship. Aside from all of these relationships, there was a couple of friends I fell in love with but friendship was all they could ever give me. Bummer!

Looking back at my series of heartaches, I suddenly realized how pathetic I must have seemed back then -- Crying over the wrong guy almost every night, staring at an empty space thinking about what might have been, listening to love songs every chance I get.

Did I learn from it, after 20-something years of being in love with the wrong men?

I guess I did.

I am currently in that scenario all over again. There's this guy whom I like so much but I just have no idea if he feels the same. If I met this guy 5 or 10 years ago, I would have approached him and confessed my feelings. I would have gotten his phone number and tried to reach him every chance I get.

What I learned from all of the heartaches was to have control: to weigh the pro's and con's of all my actions; to consider the outcome before I take action.

Someone recently told me that if I really like this guy, the best thing to do is to stop thinking about him and start doing something. That I should know what I really want with this guy: a relationship, a friendship, or MARRIAGE maybe? (D-uh...wishful thinking? I don't believe in marriage) Start doing something? Argh!

It is just frustrating that I am back to where I was before. I feel so helpless and so frustrated. I don't know what happened but maybe, I just feel like I deserve to be happy. I always tell people that I am not looking for a relationship right now but if someone comes along, then good! That may be true 2 years ago. But now, I have this sudden realization that I do want to be in a relationship and that I am just afraid of many things that can happen: heartache, break-ups, fights, endless tears. But as the saying goes: "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".

If you watched He's Just Not That Into You, there's a character there whom I can relate to perfectly: GIGI. She's the girl who would always obsess about the guys she dated. She has a line there that I just love: "I may do a lot of stupid shit but I know I'm a lot closer to finding someone than you are."

Going back to my current situation, I am starting to like this guy so bad that people are starting to think I'm falling for him. Am I? I don't know. My romantic part is telling me to tell the whole world about how I feel for him, but my more logical side is telling me to STOP OBSESSING!!!

But you know what? I would give up all of my inhibitions and logic for this guy! I would tell the whole world "To hell with what you think!" as soon as he would realize he likes me too! I'm serious! That's how much I like him that it's starting to scare me...

33!

I just turned 33 yesterday. Honestly, I don't feel like I'm 33! I mean, how is a 33-year old woman supposed to act or feel? I feel so light-headed and generally happy! I feel that any challenge that would come my way would be so easy to conquer.

I celebrated my birthday with the people who are dear to me. My team. I feel like we need something that will take us away from the workplace for awhile and just release all the tension. I was dead drunk with a terrible hang-over the next day. I went to bed at 6am and woke up at 9am. I tried so hard to catch more zzz's that it took me an over an hour to do it. I decided I'll just go to church and went straight to the shower.

I can not imagine how I must have looked like being drunk last night. The last time I got so drunk was almost 2 years ago, December 2008 to be exact. I just didn't like the feeling of being hung-over. I made a mental note to myself to get myself really wasted during my birthdays. That's it!

What made my birthday even more special? Well...I had the most wonderful birthday gift. September 18, 2010 will be so memorable to me. We received a complaint and it turned out that it wasn't for us. You can just imagine my relief when I found out.

And well, there's another thing but...never mind.

So...going back. I'm 33. I am so looking forward to what being 33 has in store for me. Will I be falling in love this year? Will I travel? Is there something that will make me utterly happy? I really hope so...

talking to myself

...nothing interesting to write about except for this hollow in my heart and this grey cloud that suddenly settled over me.

...was doing fine a few hours ago until I got home.

...this is why I don't like staying at home without anything to do. It makes me think of things I shouldn't be really thinking about.

...why does it always rain on my parade?

...I was ok being neurotic and OC until I became too happy...way too happy...no wonder it scared the hell out of me.

...I feel like going for a walk...maybe that's what I should do. Get some fresh air into my system.

...Tomorrow's another day. I really hope the sun will shine tomorrow.

...Pangarap, the song.

...AAAARRRGGGGHHH!!! The silence is killing me!

...Ok let's get to the bottom of this...let's do some root-cause analysis

Why am I feeling melancholy?
-Because I feel so helpless

Why do I feel so helpless?
-Because there's nothing I can do but wait

Why do I have to wait?
-Because I don't want to be faced with another painful situation.

Why?
-Because I've been hurt way too many times and I am just so sick and tired of it.

But what I'm doing now is hurting me as it is...
-Yes I know but it's something I think I can live with.

Are you sure?
-Positive.

If you say so...

...did I reach a conclusion? No...I just feel more confused and melancholy now.

Leah was a jejemon!

September entered the scene without any warning. In just a snap, the "ber" months are here. September...September.

This month reminds me so much of so many things that happened in the past.

My one and only sister passed away 12 years ago. I remember she was already in a coma 12 years ago today. What happened? Cerebral Aneurysm. The kind that hits you when you least expect it. Well, nobody expected my sister to leave us without any warning.

Death in the family may be the most painful thing that could ever happen. No natural calamity can ever be more disastrous than losing a family member.

She was more than a sister to me. She was my idol and my best friend. Other girls may struggle with their relationship with their sister, but it never happened with us. I felt her love for me even after she passed away. I felt her guiding me to make the correct decisions as I go through life. I would often see her in my dreams...just being quiet and watchful. When she was still alive, she would always speak her mind and would always laugh her heart out.

She lived her life to the fullest. She liked to dress up for certain occasions. She would don the craziest hairstyle and not be ashamed of it. There was a time when she got so addicted with the gym that she influenced me into doing the same. She enrolled me at a local gym at the age of 18 or 19. Tsk...I should have listened to her.

She used to like this Japanese telenovela that was being shown in NHK. I assumed that if she were still alive, she would have loved the Koreanovelas that are still coming out in local channels. I used to do Radio 1 back then. There was a song that she liked so much that she had to buy the MTV Alternative Nation CD just so I could play the song during one of my boardworks. It was a song by Live. I have it in my zune but I rarely listen to it.

She used to work for a Japanese company which is probably why she liked anything Japanese! She had a cassette tape full of Japanese songs back then. She would play it over and over. The music kinda grew into me so I came to a point when I started to like the songs.

We both looooooove cats! I remember going to ADB one time and found her work area filled with cat photos. There was even one huuuuuuge cat card displayed on top of her office table. We used to have a black cat. She named her Oughkoie (pronounced as OKOY). I realized just now that my sister may have been the very first jejemon in the planet! I'm sure I made her proud with the way Charlee has grown to be...a big, fat cat!

Ate, wherever you are, please always remember that I love you so much and I miss you every single day! I am now in Podium. If you were still alive, we would have gone shopping almost everyday, or lunch everyday, or coffee everyday.

Well... I know that you're very well aware of the situation I am in right now and I just hope that you guide me to make the best decision always. I'll see you in my dreams!