2011...

In 2009, I made a resolution that I was able to keep for over a year and that was to be 100% alcohol free for the entire year! I tried to take in a shot of brandy in welcoming 2010 but it gave me acid so I decided to say farewell to alcohol for good. But...I tried it during my 33rd birthday and I got really drunk. I was so hung over the next day that I vowed to just drink "occasionally"...the occasion being my birthday! :D

I was not able to keep my 2010 resolution which was to be more frugal. So here I am...ready to welcome 2011 with a set of things I vow to "try" to keep:

• I will lose at least 20 lbs this year. How? I'll start with a detox method I learned online. I will be nicer to my body and feed it with only the good stuff. I will TRY to eat meat just ONCE a week and swear off fast food for good! I will learn how to say no to cakes, ice cream, and frappuccinos.
  
• I will be nicer to cab drivers, sales ladies, and supermarket counter persons. I will try to understand their situation and give more empathy.
• I will meet my deadlines...no...let me rephrase that. I MUST MEET MY DEADLINE

So...if you see me not keeping my resolutions, please feel free to remind me. :D

Diamonds are a girl's best friend...

For years, the only skin care regimen I only used was my trusted Pond's moisturizer which they phased out a couple of years ago. I tried other products like Myra, Clean and Clear, and Olay but they made me break-out. I thought that it was just my skin's initial reaction and that it would all be gone after a week...but it didn't! So I stopped using those.

I tried Pond's Whitening line and it was awesome! It did make me look fairer and more flawless. Really! But it was too expensive so I stopped using the entire line after I consumed everything. Good thing about it is that my face didn't have any negative reaction after I stopped using it.

Then I tried the Age Miracle Line late last year. I tried the facial wash, eye cream, and the day and night creams. I did not see any major effect except for the fact that I did not get a lot of pimples when I was using it. But, again, it was too expensive to use the whole line so I stopped after everything got depleted.

After a few days without my moisturizer, my skin felt rough, too tight, and oily. I guess that was my skin's reaction after I stopped using the Age Miracle Line. Until I saw fine lines and roughness all over my skin, that's when I started to panic! I did not care much about having wrinkles until I saw the fine lines under my eyes!!! No!!! I will defy the laws of nature and stop this!!!

I found an age-defying moisturizer by Pond's and started using it. It was ok but my skin still felt dry. I, then, decided that it's time to get the Age Miracle Line again!!! This time I got the serum together with the eye creams and the day and night cream. I guess the serum is the real miracle in the whole line! After a few days of using all creams religiously, my skin felt softer and smoother and even my mom noticed it that she also started using the cream. No, this is not a paid advertisement. This is just my way of sharing how vain I can get.

Then my cousin gave me this gift certificate for an Intensive Diamond Peel at Clarity. Since I live in Cainta, I chose the Clarity in Shangri-la. I have always wanted to get a Diamond Peel but just did not really give it much thought. The place was quite intimidating with the quaint furniture and the hushed voices of the staff. But the people were really friendly especially the girl who did the procedure on my face. She understood that it was my first time to have the procedure and that made me really comfortable. First thing she did was cleanse my face while giving it a gentle and very relaxing massage. Then came the procedure itself.

It was not really painful. It was relaxing, actually. The medical assistant used a pen-like device wired to a machine. The tip of the device is run throughout the entire face by section. It felt like it's scraping the surface and sucking away all the dead skin. It's like a tiny vacuum on my face.

She showed me my skin after she worked on the right side of my face. It looked more matte as compared to the left side which was oily. And it also looked fairer. When I touched my skin, true enough, it did feel as soft as a baby's bottom.

After my free session, I immediately booked for another appointment 2 weeks after, which happened this morning. During the two weeks in between sessions, I felt my skin did not feel as rough as it used to, and it looked softer and clearer. I read somewhere that diamond peel can make the facial products you use become 50% more effective. I guess my Age Miracle Line plus the Diamond Peel is really helping each other to give me the skin I have always wanted. I also noticed the dark spots become lighter. Ah-MAZING!

As I have said, I just had my 2nd session this morning. My skin still feels raw but it is softer and clearer. I can't wait for my next 4 sessions!

*sigh*

My 3-day leave is about to end. Well, I still have 8 hours left. I'll be back to work at exactly 530am tomorrow. I don't know if I'm looking forward to it because I enjoy having some My Time. After this, God knows when I'll be able to get another My Time.

What did I do? During Day 1, I had to go to the store to, well, just hang out. People would often ask why I would go to the store even when I'm on leave. Well, the reason is that I won't be working when I'm there. I just go there to, well, chill. I want to experience how it is to be a customer of my own store.

Day 2. I went to Starbucks in Megamall to have my DM discuss my PA with me. Yes, it is work but it's just a few hours so I don't really consider that as working. Besides, it is my excuse to go out and do some retail therapy. My mom doesn't want me going out during my rest days or vacation leaves.

Day 3. I watched Shawshank Redemption for the 2nd time. That movie would always remind me of Enzo 'cause he was the one who recommended it. Yiiihiii. :D Who's Enzo? He's a regular customer and he is so much like Tim Robbins in the movie--quiet, soft-spoken, the type who would never break the law. He's also a banker and he looks so much like Tonton Gutierrez.

What else did I do during my 3-day break? Think. I made a lot of thinking. I made a lot of thinking about you-know-who. I realized that I still don't know what to do...whether to give him up or give in to what I am feeling. If I give him up, I would just have this huge "what if" in my head the whole time. If I give in, I know I'd end up at the losing end...heartbroken and foolish.

Which should I choose? To give up or to give in? Honestly, I do not see any good if I give up. But if I give in, I would finally acknowledge the fact that I am really in love with the guy. I know, I know it's foolish but I see that as a "pro", not as a "con". I have always believed in the saying that "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." But still, I wouldn't know what to do next.

My horrorscope for today said that "whoever you have been thinking about has been thinking about you too." How would you know if that is accurate? Do I ask him if he's also thinking about me? WOW! The only accurate part there is the fact that I have been thinking about him the whole time. Really. I didn't know that one can spend so much time thinking about a certain person. Seriously. Whether I'm in the shower, doing the dishes, drinking water, taking vitamins, walking home, watching a movie, or just doing nothing...he'll be there in my head. I read somewhere that if one wants to know if what you're feeling is love or lust, one must answer one simple question: "What percentage of the day or night do you think about him/her?" Makes sense, right? Well, all I know is that I think about him before I go to bed and fall asleep thinking about him. And it would be him I would be thinking of the moment I open up my eyes the next day. Seriously, I didn't know it's possible.

So tomorrow's a new day. I will be going back to work tomorrow not knowing what fate has in store for me. One thing's for sure...I'll be thinking of you.

PEE-EHM-EHS

If you're a girl and you get your period regularly then you are all familiar with that monthly dilemma you experience that's so inexplicable you just want to shut yourself out from the whole world.

Yes...that thing called pre-menstrual syndrome is a killer (well not literally) for many women. As defined by wikipedia, it is a collection of physical, psychological, and emotional symptoms related to a woman's menstrual cycle. Physical symptoms may include breast tenderness and zits, among other stuff. Emotional symptoms include dysphoria, or the presence of an unpleasant mood. It is the exact opposite of euphoria.

I know it's way, way too much information for me to say this but, yes...I just got out of one. It's a monthly thing I don't exactly look forward to. Having my monthly period PLUS cramps is a joy as compared to experiencing PMS.

I was soooo irritable for one whole week. To add to that, my self-esteem was at a record low. I couldn't explain it. It felt like it was the end of the world. No one could understand my mood!

The day before my period was the worst day ever. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to strangle everybody who crossed me. I was ready to welcome the worst migraine of my life but nothing came...not one single hint of a headache. All I got was depression! I was chatting with my ASM and I was crying because I couldn't explain what I was feeling. I was so depressed I asked my best friend to call me just to cheer me up. Some were actually saying I was depressed because of this guy, but trust me...it's not him! I was positive he wasn't the reason because I felt totally different the next day. It felt like nothing happened...like I was living a nightmare the day before. Like I was a zombie in reverse!

So, why am I writing about this? It's because women have always been misunderstood. Men think we're crazy because of the mood swings we get. Some men would even try to pick a fight with us during this period. Bad idea!

What should men do when their girl is having these mood swings? I, for one, would just want to be with my man. He doesn't have to say anything, he just has to be there. He can try to bring me flowers, or chocolates, or my favorite dessert, but his mere presence would be ok for me. It would work differently for other women, though. Maybe they want to be alone or maybe they just go out with their man.

Truth is, it's nothing personal. PMS is a normal thing women go through every month. It's nothing to be annoyed about but instead, something that many men must understand. It's as normal as breathing. It's like a deep wound that needs to be treated with utter care and patience so that healing will progress.

Two days after my horrific PMS mode, I feel totally different. I remember feeling so light-hearted despite of the intense cramps I was experiencing. The grey cloud that hovered above me was no longer in sight.

It is proof that it's really nothing personal. It's something that women have no control over. Yes, we can choose our attitude, but PMS has a very strong force over women.

Don't argue! :D

tao po

Minsan iniisip ko, oops di pala minsan...lagi pala...

Iniisip ko, when will this end?

Is it really up to me?

Di ko ba talaga pwede malaman kung saan pupunta?

Pwede bang magkaroon ng time machine?

Pwede kayang maging si Edward Cullen talaga para naririnig yung sinasabi ng utak mo?

Wala lang...

that thing called HEARTACHE!

I remember reading somewhere that this is the year I will be falling in love. I don't know if I should be happy or excited or if I should dread the day. Fall in love? Me?

I have had my fair share of heartaches in the past. That's because when I fall, I fall really hard with a loud "thump" and "clunk" with matching bruises and wounds everywhere. Hehehehe. I don't really know why I always end up being hurt. I'm always at the losing end when it comes to love. There was this guy whom I loved from afar. We were good friends but I was in a relationship back then so nothing really happened. Then I was in a long-distance relationship for almost 2 years, turned out that the guy has been cheating on me the whole time. Then there was a rebound guy whom I tried to fall in love with for 6 months but just couldn't so I had to end the relationship. Aside from all of these relationships, there was a couple of friends I fell in love with but friendship was all they could ever give me. Bummer!

Looking back at my series of heartaches, I suddenly realized how pathetic I must have seemed back then -- Crying over the wrong guy almost every night, staring at an empty space thinking about what might have been, listening to love songs every chance I get.

Did I learn from it, after 20-something years of being in love with the wrong men?

I guess I did.

I am currently in that scenario all over again. There's this guy whom I like so much but I just have no idea if he feels the same. If I met this guy 5 or 10 years ago, I would have approached him and confessed my feelings. I would have gotten his phone number and tried to reach him every chance I get.

What I learned from all of the heartaches was to have control: to weigh the pro's and con's of all my actions; to consider the outcome before I take action.

Someone recently told me that if I really like this guy, the best thing to do is to stop thinking about him and start doing something. That I should know what I really want with this guy: a relationship, a friendship, or MARRIAGE maybe? (D-uh...wishful thinking? I don't believe in marriage) Start doing something? Argh!

It is just frustrating that I am back to where I was before. I feel so helpless and so frustrated. I don't know what happened but maybe, I just feel like I deserve to be happy. I always tell people that I am not looking for a relationship right now but if someone comes along, then good! That may be true 2 years ago. But now, I have this sudden realization that I do want to be in a relationship and that I am just afraid of many things that can happen: heartache, break-ups, fights, endless tears. But as the saying goes: "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all".

If you watched He's Just Not That Into You, there's a character there whom I can relate to perfectly: GIGI. She's the girl who would always obsess about the guys she dated. She has a line there that I just love: "I may do a lot of stupid shit but I know I'm a lot closer to finding someone than you are."

Going back to my current situation, I am starting to like this guy so bad that people are starting to think I'm falling for him. Am I? I don't know. My romantic part is telling me to tell the whole world about how I feel for him, but my more logical side is telling me to STOP OBSESSING!!!

But you know what? I would give up all of my inhibitions and logic for this guy! I would tell the whole world "To hell with what you think!" as soon as he would realize he likes me too! I'm serious! That's how much I like him that it's starting to scare me...

33!

I just turned 33 yesterday. Honestly, I don't feel like I'm 33! I mean, how is a 33-year old woman supposed to act or feel? I feel so light-headed and generally happy! I feel that any challenge that would come my way would be so easy to conquer.

I celebrated my birthday with the people who are dear to me. My team. I feel like we need something that will take us away from the workplace for awhile and just release all the tension. I was dead drunk with a terrible hang-over the next day. I went to bed at 6am and woke up at 9am. I tried so hard to catch more zzz's that it took me an over an hour to do it. I decided I'll just go to church and went straight to the shower.

I can not imagine how I must have looked like being drunk last night. The last time I got so drunk was almost 2 years ago, December 2008 to be exact. I just didn't like the feeling of being hung-over. I made a mental note to myself to get myself really wasted during my birthdays. That's it!

What made my birthday even more special? Well...I had the most wonderful birthday gift. September 18, 2010 will be so memorable to me. We received a complaint and it turned out that it wasn't for us. You can just imagine my relief when I found out.

And well, there's another thing but...never mind.

So...going back. I'm 33. I am so looking forward to what being 33 has in store for me. Will I be falling in love this year? Will I travel? Is there something that will make me utterly happy? I really hope so...

talking to myself

...nothing interesting to write about except for this hollow in my heart and this grey cloud that suddenly settled over me.

...was doing fine a few hours ago until I got home.

...this is why I don't like staying at home without anything to do. It makes me think of things I shouldn't be really thinking about.

...why does it always rain on my parade?

...I was ok being neurotic and OC until I became too happy...way too happy...no wonder it scared the hell out of me.

...I feel like going for a walk...maybe that's what I should do. Get some fresh air into my system.

...Tomorrow's another day. I really hope the sun will shine tomorrow.

...Pangarap, the song.

...AAAARRRGGGGHHH!!! The silence is killing me!

...Ok let's get to the bottom of this...let's do some root-cause analysis

Why am I feeling melancholy?
-Because I feel so helpless

Why do I feel so helpless?
-Because there's nothing I can do but wait

Why do I have to wait?
-Because I don't want to be faced with another painful situation.

Why?
-Because I've been hurt way too many times and I am just so sick and tired of it.

But what I'm doing now is hurting me as it is...
-Yes I know but it's something I think I can live with.

Are you sure?
-Positive.

If you say so...

...did I reach a conclusion? No...I just feel more confused and melancholy now.

Leah was a jejemon!

September entered the scene without any warning. In just a snap, the "ber" months are here. September...September.

This month reminds me so much of so many things that happened in the past.

My one and only sister passed away 12 years ago. I remember she was already in a coma 12 years ago today. What happened? Cerebral Aneurysm. The kind that hits you when you least expect it. Well, nobody expected my sister to leave us without any warning.

Death in the family may be the most painful thing that could ever happen. No natural calamity can ever be more disastrous than losing a family member.

She was more than a sister to me. She was my idol and my best friend. Other girls may struggle with their relationship with their sister, but it never happened with us. I felt her love for me even after she passed away. I felt her guiding me to make the correct decisions as I go through life. I would often see her in my dreams...just being quiet and watchful. When she was still alive, she would always speak her mind and would always laugh her heart out.

She lived her life to the fullest. She liked to dress up for certain occasions. She would don the craziest hairstyle and not be ashamed of it. There was a time when she got so addicted with the gym that she influenced me into doing the same. She enrolled me at a local gym at the age of 18 or 19. Tsk...I should have listened to her.

She used to like this Japanese telenovela that was being shown in NHK. I assumed that if she were still alive, she would have loved the Koreanovelas that are still coming out in local channels. I used to do Radio 1 back then. There was a song that she liked so much that she had to buy the MTV Alternative Nation CD just so I could play the song during one of my boardworks. It was a song by Live. I have it in my zune but I rarely listen to it.

She used to work for a Japanese company which is probably why she liked anything Japanese! She had a cassette tape full of Japanese songs back then. She would play it over and over. The music kinda grew into me so I came to a point when I started to like the songs.

We both looooooove cats! I remember going to ADB one time and found her work area filled with cat photos. There was even one huuuuuuge cat card displayed on top of her office table. We used to have a black cat. She named her Oughkoie (pronounced as OKOY). I realized just now that my sister may have been the very first jejemon in the planet! I'm sure I made her proud with the way Charlee has grown to be...a big, fat cat!

Ate, wherever you are, please always remember that I love you so much and I miss you every single day! I am now in Podium. If you were still alive, we would have gone shopping almost everyday, or lunch everyday, or coffee everyday.

Well... I know that you're very well aware of the situation I am in right now and I just hope that you guide me to make the best decision always. I'll see you in my dreams!

My HORRORSCOPE

Have you ever had one of those moments when you don't know what to do anymore? No, it isn't like I want to commit suicide or anything more drastic like embarassing myself in front of hundreds of people. I am having one of those moments when I just want to drown myself with work and surround myself with family and friends because they make me forget. They make me forget about the craziness I am currently in.


It's so crazy that it's not funny anymore. I want to go back to what I used to be: neurotic, controlling, stubborn. When I was like that, all I needed to worry about was work and the people I worked with. Then I go home and I'll easily fall asleep.


Well, now, I just can't seem to do that. I never worried about my lovelife before because there really was nothing to worry about. Hahahaha! Well, it isn't like there is something to worry about right now.


I have been reading my HORRORSCOPE the past 2 days. I found out that there was really an explanation as to why I was so neurotic for 2 LONG YEARS (make that TOO LONG YEARS)! Grrrr! Why didn't someone tell me about it? It turned out that the Planet Saturn was somewhere in my system (I really don't understand so please don't make me explain). Apparently, Saturn is known for being controlling and for having too many limitations. When I read that, I was like...."Ooooh, so that's why!" And that $%^&@ planet is out of my system. Ok I can explain this part. That must be the reason why I have always been so happy...and laughing...and positive lately.


Ha! No it doesn't have to do with any man lurking around in the shadows trying to catch my attention (or vice versa). BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE! I just found out that now that all the neurotic Saturn is away bugging some astrological sign, it means that I am going to fall in love this year.


I was like....HUWAAAAT??? But why? I'm happier this way...surrounded by family and friends...and 2 crazy cats who seem to be hungry all the time. I'm happy downloading movies and songs and admire someone from afar. (uh-oh)


Ok...going back to my real topic here. I said I dont want to worry about my non-existent lovelife right? Yes. If I'm really supposed to fall in love this year, does it mean that I will have someone to fall in love WITH? Or is it going to be a one-sided love affair? Argh that would suck big time! Hmmm but if that's the case, there's no way I would get dumped, right? Hahaha! I guess I'll learn to love that idea.


But then again, it would be nice to have someone to talk to when your day (or week) just went crazy. It would be nice to have a shoulder you can lay your head on after a long day at work. It would be nice to have someone who'd tell me about his day at work. It would be nice to have someone who will ask me to give him a massage. (My brother does that but it's not so nice when it's your brother...it's eeeewwww!) It would be so nice to just spend a whole day doing DVD marathon with someone you truly care for.

It would be really nice...

So to whoever it was who said that I will fall in love this year: It's already August and the last quarter of the year is just around the corner. If you want me to fall in love, you better bring someone my way...I'm either in Cainta or in Podium. No plans to go out of town but I'll advise you! Hahahahaha!

Right...whatever!

9 years and counting

It all started in August 6, 2001. I lived in Cainta all my life and had no idea how to get to Makati except for a shuttle in Karangalan that would take me there and God knows what. I had to ask for help from Maricel (ate's bff) for directions on how to get to Starbucks in Greenbelt 1. I got the directions I needed but I still got lost. Believe it or not, I followed the aroma of coffee and bingo!...I found my very first store!

It was a few minutes before 9am. I wasn't late...thank God! I was greeted by Allan Guinto, then ASM. He was very welcoming and friendly that I realized it would be easy to work with him. He led me to the backroom where I saw a girl sitting down while on break. She was Nikka. My so-called twin sister because they said we looked so much alike. But I really didn't see it.

I remember spending my birthday there and I was given the chance to choose which area to close. I chose pastry. After that, it became my most hated area to close...even 9 years later. I remember working with Jofe, my store manager then, and she was on till while I was the bar person. It was a busy Sunday afternoon. I didn't know I could move that fast even if I was just a 2-3 month old barista. Beat that!

Allan got promoted and he took over Greenbelt 1 and Jofe opened The Fort...I think. Working with Allan was a great experience! He taught me how to be patient and how to take care of each other.

A lot of people have come and gone. It started with Jurson who was replaced by Monde. There was Blair and Ian, the soul sisters. There was Jay...who just had this huuuge smile pasted on his face everytime a pretty girl enters the store. There was my batchmate Abby who got pregnant. There was Jessica, the chinese girl who was just so intimidating. And who can forget Mean? The real charmer of Greenbelt 1. There was one time when she lost her watch when she got held up, I think. She told the story to a Japanese guy who went back a little while later with a brand new Swatch watch for her. Then came Joanne, Marianne, Leah, Lorie, Joyce, Isa, and Carla. And the whole store just went crazy. Every shift was something to look forward to. There was a healthy competition between everyone. Standards were in place and everybody was doing their job and having fun at the same time.

And, of course, how can I forget the people who trained me during my first few months? There was Joy, Dante, Emma, Tenie, Sol, and Grace.

After 2 years, I realized I can start moving on. I might get bored so I challenged myself to do better. I looked for other jobs. Call centers were a big thing during that time. Etelecare, Sykes, and People Support were the most popular ones in 2003. I went to interviews and almost got accepted at Sykes. They asked me when I could be available and I told them I need a one month notice before I could go. That exact same time, I got the offer to be promoted. I didn't weigh my options. I didn't choose. I just told myself to accept whichever would come first. I got promoted to Shift Supervisor in November 2003. Sykes called one week later to ask if I was still available.

I guessed that that was God's way of telling me to stay. He was telling me that there is something for me here. So I stayed and never looked for any other jobs.

I stayed in Greenbelt 1 for over 3 years. I felt that I was starting to be store blind so I asked for a transfer. I asked to be transferred to a totally different store. I got transferred to Greenbelt 3 in November of 2004. It was very timely because I needed a diversion as I just got out of a bad break-up then. Blech!

I didn't stay long in Greenbelt 3 under Macy. After a month, I opened Glorietta 2 with Tina. It was an experience to open a new store! I also got new friends when I was there. There was JP, Khelai, Leo, and Marc.

After a few months, hard times were being experienced in the country. Taxi fares went from Php 20 flag down rate to Php 30. My cab fare going home went from Php 80 to Php 125. I had to do something. It would be really impractical to be living in Cainta and working in Makati. It was also very timely that I heard of a new store that will open in Marikina. I grabbed that chance right away and made the request. After a few days, I was informed that I would be transferred to Medical City instead. So I prepared myself for Medical City. After a few weeks, Greenbelt's ASM Joy informed me that they were still in need for a shift supervisor in Marquinton. I was like WOW! It all happened soooooo fast! I got a call from Chan and told me I will be starting in Marquinton the following week. I was ecstatic!

But then again, it would mean leaving a new set of friends in Glorietta 2. It was really hard for me to leave because we were all starting to become so close despite of the occasional haunting of the friendly ghosts there.

Then there's Marquinton. I loved Marquinton almost as much as I loved Greenbelt 1. A lot of good memories happened there. A new set of friends were developed. I also got promoted there to Assistant Store Manager. The challenges were all there but when you're working with the right people, everything falls into place. If there were people whom I can say molded me to what I am today as a Store Manager, I would say it would be Allan and Agot. Allan for being so nurturing and for giving value to the people, and Agot for maintaining the standards no matter what.

I, then, opened ADB with a new set of partners. It's a different feeling to open a store when you're already a Store Manager. You feel like that store is your first-born and it's hard for you to let go. And that even if the store is no longer yours, you still feel a weird sense of ownership towards that store. "That store was mine...even if it was just for 3 months".

After Marquinton got submerged by Ondoy's flood waters, I am now happily staying in Podium. It's a store with great challenges but easy to overcome as long as you have the right people in place. I do believe I've mellowed down a bit from level 16 of OC-ness to just level 7 of OC-ness. I love the store, I love the people, I love my job.

You might find it weird that I am writing this at 9 years. Why not 10 years? Well, my answer to that is, what if I wouldn't have the chance to write about my 10 years in Starbucks? Why not now?

Thank you Starbucks for placing me where I am right now. Thank you to the people who made a great influence to my journey at Starbucks. Thanks to all the key learnings and challenges that made me grow, not just as a Starbucks partner, but as a person as well.

Thank you.

Family

12 years ago, I saw my sister being revived by doctors and nurses in the old Medical City to no avail. When my mama and kuya and kuya arnel rushed her to the hospital, I was thinking that they will come back 2 or 3 hours later saying that my sister just had a stressful evening and would just need some rest. But it didn't happen. She passed away 6 days later.

I'm home alone now with just 4 hours of sleep waiting for a call from my kuya or mama to tell me what's going on with papa. Papa vomited just about 2 or 3 hours ago after having lunch. Vomit was red...and I tried not to panic. He was rushed to his doctor's clinic who advised us to have him confined right away. So we did...

And I am crying...

Why?

Because this have happened to us. I have this silly concept that if a family goes through a huge wave of grief, they must not go through it again. But that's not reality. That's not life.

There's this large lump inside of me telling me to panic and hope for the worst thing that could happen now. But the more sane part of me is telling me that I should think positive. Geez! He doesn't look sick at all! Well, except for the fact that my father is a stroke patient...he looks mighty healthy!

I have this super negative thinking that everytime someone in the family will get into a hospital, the worst thing could happen. My sister's passing was just too traumatic for me, even after 12 years. I loved my sister very much. My father and I may not have the best father-daughter relationship but... He is still my father.

Here's hoping...and praying...

random thoughts

I can't sleep...

I got home around 11pm, I think. Traffic was not so bad along Ortigas Avenue but the rains made it really a challenge for everyone. There was another motorcycle accident that happened along the stretch of Ortigas Ave. Probably because of the slippery condition of the roads.

I can't sleep...

Sleep can't seem to get to me the past few days. I always have trouble getting sleep especially in the evening. Maybe I just need to lessen the amount of caffeine I take everyday. I usually get an average of 3 shots of espresso (either latte, americano, or caramel macchiato) everyday. Maybe I should just get 1 shot of espresso to make my system re-boot or something.

I really can't sleep...

I'm in my room, sitting on the floor in the dark, contemplating whether I should go on watching Heroes Season 1 on DVD or The Devil Wears Prada from my zune. I decided that maybe it's time I update my blog site. The last update I made was after Ondoy, I think. Wow! June is almost done and September is approaching real fast! Now there are 3 things I anticipate every September: my sister's death anniversary, my birthday, and heavy rains (but no floods please!).

I just yawned...

I should go to bed.

Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow is another chance I should take to renew my life...or an opportunity to just clean out all the mess that I made.

Sigh. I'm not making sense. I should go to bed. Here's hoping for a pleasant surprise in the morning. A new cat maybe? No I love Charlee! Or a new boy toy? LOL!